What is a happy ending, anyway?

7 Apr

I was hit with an epiphany this evening; never has a cliche seemed so true as “the more things change the more they stay the same”. It makes sense, right? We are humans, and as humans we get into routines and these routines become engrained in us as sort of a second nature.  Family isn’t going to just completely reorient how they make decisions and how they talk to one another. At least in my family, there will always be that person who is the center and through whom all ideas and decisions are made.

It’s funny that after all this time, people and events in my life can bring me right back to that terrified, miserable little 16 year old girl stuck under the covers in her room in Indiana. I have a really hard time articulating my thoughts and feelings into actual audible sounds, and still, a hard time completely formulating them into words that accurately display what I am feeling.

Sometimes I think that people like me are not meant to have a traditional happy ending. I am not sure what that statement means though. I don’t know who people like me are. I don’t really know what a happy ending is. Nothing ever seems to be ending, because that would just be death and no one talks about that like it is happy. There is love, but that is not an end. You date, you fall in love, you get engaged, you get married, you have kids, you count the days until they are in college, you reminisce about the good old days; all of that, not necessarily in that order. But that is not an ending. It is a string of beginnings. And maybe love and families are not meant for everybody. Maybe we just think we want them because that ideology has been forced down our throats since birth. Maybe working 70 hours a week and traveling is a happy ending. Maybe sharing your life with a dog is a happy ending. But when I write it down it doesn’t seem like much without that person to love you. That is sad. In the end society has basically boiled it down to no matter what you do, if you don’t have love you are nothing. I’m just not sure that love works for everyone.

But what do I know? I am just that lost 16 year old girl who hopes she will get it together in the future. Who hopes that college will lead to a good job and lead her to where she wants to be. And when that doesn’t work, that grad school will…which is almost up and I still have no idea. She has had a string of relationships, some good and some bad, but none that have given her an ending or a new beginning. She is not bummed about that really. She is in love. But she is also scared of love, because the more things change, the more they stay the same.

If You Like It Then You Shoulda…CLEANED IT!

23 Feb

I have been dealing with the phenomenon in my life the last few years that I like to call Baby Adultism. Now, I am the first to admit that I have no problem asking my mommy for help when I need it. In fact, she is helping me pay for school.  But my bills, my rent, my food, my clothing, my automobile…that is and has been all me since I got a job after school. Now granted, 2 of my favorite people are on the mild end of this spectrum, but I like them so I can deal with it. What I can’t deal with is people who are nearing their 30’s who still act like their mom should be following them around with a duster and a roll of paper towels. That type of thinking should have stopped when you were 7.

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True Life: I am a Frustrating Individual

16 Feb

Side note, remember when MTV’s True Life used to be kind of good? It’s not anymore, just try to watch the episode called “I am too Beautiful”. Hot mess.

So at this point, this post is worth $18 because it is the first one I have done all year, and that is the annual cost of owning a website. I am the worst. I have been a big ball of frustration and irritation mixed with sadness and doubt which made me ignore my blog because I didn’t want to try to write that all out, but here we are. So, here is a list of my first world problems (aka things that frustrate me from least to most).

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One Boyfriend + 16 hours between us = Valentine’s Day Alone

16 Feb 425583634038cdfe4826ed9950c4fbf1

Originally posted on PSU Chronicles:


by Jenna Rae Tucker

So, being in a long distance relationship is rough. I used to think a two-hour drive was bad, but it’s cake compared to the 16-hour fiasco I am dealing with now. The distance definitely blows when holidays or your birthday comes around and it’s just not feasible to travel that far. Even though I have never been a celebrator of Hallmark’s favorite card selling day, Valentine’s Day, (I made this fact up), it is yet another reminder of how far away my dumb boyfriend is.

But never fear! There are some positives here, like:

  1. You can totally get all of your homework done and only be distracted by food, the TV, your dog, rain, or whatever else is around that seems more fun than homework.
  2. You can talk to your dog all day without someone else thinking you’re weird.
  3. Shaving your legs…pshhhh
  4. Wearing real pants. Yeah…right.

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Jenna Writes a Blog, It’s Not Good

15 Nov

I should be working on one of the papers I have to do within the next 3 weeks…or updating a survey or grading, you know, something productive. But the idea of starting something and having to finish it makes me want to cry. Literally, I want to cry right now over the fact that I have to use my brain and commit to something. So far the one concrete thing I have learned from Grad school is that I am not as smart I always thought. When I try to understand things and do decent work, it always seems to backfire on me. At this point I am just trying to keep my head above water and turn things in that are acceptable, yet I still get disappointed when I don’t get an A on them. If I was ever a professor, I would make all assignments multiple choice on scantron so I never had to actually do work to grade. This is probably a telling sign that I shouldn’t be a professor. Also the fact that I am not intelligent enough on any topic to teach people about it is a good indicator.

So here I sit, avoiding things I am going to have to do anyway, not because I am too lazy to write it, although that is the excuse I would use if you asked me, but because I don’t feel like I am smart enough to turn out anything worth reading.

I used to be super spontaneous but now I am so nailed down by work and school and Tim commitments. I have essentially disappeared, which I am okay with most of the time because my brain is already exhausted that it can’t easily handle social responsibilities as well. Also, I constantly expect a lot out of people and rarely do they meet those expectations. I feel like I get more invested in people than they do in me and eventually it just makes me sad. Sometimes you want someone to go beyond words (even though if you know me, you know how fond I am of words) and just be super stoked to be in your company. Perhaps that is why  most of the people I am close with live far away from me. They don’t have to deal with me often enough.

I don’t know where this blog was going or where I wanted it to go, so let’s just talk about my favorite songs right now:

Girls Girls Boys – Panic! (You can judge me, I probably don’t like you enough to care anyway)

Do I Wanna Know – Arctic Monkeys (Where was I on them for the last 5 years. I skipped all the albums after the first one…)

Monster – Imagine Dragons

It’s About Time – Young the Giant (Who I get to see next month and I am super pumped!)

Is it Sassy time yet? I can’t wait to relive that weekend.

I never procrastinated until grad school and this is a dumb time to start.  I know I will get everything done, I just  keep putting it off because of the aforementioned reasons. All I want to do is plug in to a music source, snuggle Tim, and stay in bed forever. And pizza. I want to do anything that has to do with pizza.

When it boils down to it, I don’t feel like I am attached to anything here. I have no roots. I am a wanderer who can’t afford to wander, both time and money wise. I feel like the words on the tip of your tongue that you have to say but you’re scared to because you know the outcome will hurt.

I never know what I need or what I want. Sometimes I think it is to unplug completely, but then I feel like everyone else. Like the world wins. Sometimes I think it is overwhelming support from people, but a. this never really happens b. I wouldn’t believe them anyway. Sometimes I think it is never getting out of bed, but then where am I going to get pizza? If there is one thing I am sure of, it is that I need and want pizza.

For now I will just take solace in the fact that I am absolutely certain about two things: 1. Pizza 2. It is hard to stay AS sad when you’re always greeted by a stinky beagle with a big smile.

I am slightly less certain about the fact that people will tell me they know how I feel, but no one can ever know how anyone else feels. Jenna who gets depressed at 26 is EXTREMELY more put together than Jenna who got depressed at 16, but some days I still live in that hole. I know that no one can really understand and I am pretty sure that no one REALLY cares, so I just keep it to myself.

I am semi-certain that when you cry in public in a place that rains all the time, it blends in and no one can tell.

I am uncertain of where my life will go (something I will never be certain of, I am sure), if I will finish grad school, when I will actually start this 30 page paper (or the 12-15 page one), and when I will be coherent enough to put together a stream of thoughts that make sense.

As I told a drunk Archana 5 minutes ago, I am just a girl who, on this day, is sad and lost.

Who knows what I will be tomorrow.

One can only hope it involves pizza.

Grad school: one step forward, ten steps back

10 Nov

Originally posted on PSU Chronicles:

I’m still not sure I am equipped to handle the stress that comes with graduate school. When people said it would be hard, I laughed at them. I never had to read assignments in undergrad, and writing papers was easy.

If you are thinking about grad school you should just know that the reading is ridiculous; hundreds of pages per week. The papers are long. I scoff at anything in the single digits now. Stress will eat you for dinner, and it will eat your other grad school friends for dessert. Time management is a must, and the funny thing is that it used to be a skill of mine UNTIL I started grad school. Not to mention I work two jobs so I can stay alive, AND I have a dog. You might think you are immune to grad school, but trust me, you aren’t; at times it is…

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Networking: Great Opportunity or Awkward Circus

29 Oct

Originally posted on PSU Chronicles:

“…and plenty of time for networking!” This was in the description of an event I went to a few weeks ago, one that made me cringe. I hate networking. People get really excited about it, the chance to meet others who could, maybe, further their career at some point. Maybe if I had a clear an idea of what I wanted to do in life, I would appreciate networking, but I don’t.

So far, internships, education, and actual experience have given me a leg up in life, and I’ve been successful with getting work in radio and social media. Heck, I am diving deeper into all that is communication in grad school so that I can add that to my resume in case whatever I want to do requires a master’s.

I find networking to be forced. You put me in a room with a bunch of people I don’t…

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